Love Globally, Diddle Locally

The basic rules of dating are so obvious in theory, yet are often allusive in practice. My basic rule of dating number one: love globally, diddle locally. Why leave a large carbon footprint chasing long-distance tail when there are perfectly bed-able men in your own neighborhood? Dating is hard enough without the complication of distance. Unless you live in northern Saskatchewan, chances are there are people to screw/love in your zip code.

So, if you're looking to be close to someone, look close by. If you're not looking close by, maybe you should consider your motivations. For the last few years, I've actually found long-distance relationships appealing. Mostly because I feared losing my independence and didn't want someone around every day getting all up in my grill. The better choice, however, would have been to establish boundaries on my time and space instead of thinking I could solve the problem by dating men in the outer regions of time and space.

I'm not saying never have a whirlwind romance with, say... someone you met on vacation. Shit like that is fun, just don't stake your heart on the outcome. If you go into it with no other expectation than to enjoy each other's company and be in love with love for awhile, the affair, however tragic or fruitless, will still be a success.

This rule also does not apply, of course, to people already in an established relationship. If you are in love and your life's goals are forcing you to be apart for a time, you can definitely make a long-distance situation work.

Remember there is no one person for anyone, and exhausting yourself travelling back and forth for someone you barely know is foolish. There are no soul mates (unless you drive matching Kia Souls). Pining away for Billy in Boca? Go to three bars in your neighborhood for three days and you'll quickly forget all about him when you give your number to Tommy, Johnny and Bobby (or Cindy, Sally and Tracy)... you little slut.