tune in

Never stay with anyone who after you have enjoyed each other horizontally reaches over grabs your left breast and says:

"I wish you had bigger breasts."

but at least, if I wanted, I could change that with a surgical procedure, but there is no surgical procedure

to

stop you

from being

an

asshole.

And all I got was this stupid t-shirt

cant you loure me?

B.O.Y. B.A.D.

Beware of the guy who says: "All men are assholes”

You may find this statement endearing at first, like he is sympathetic to the female situation. He is not in fact sympathetic, he is using a literary device called foreshadowing and its sub component called the "red herring"

So when he ultimately does something really shitty to you should have known it was coming. It was his disclaimer, his fine print. He laid it out on the table He basically said, “Well, I’m kind of an asshole”, just like the Heart on the Sleeve guy is telling you “Well, I’m kind of a mess”


He told you, you just forgot to listen.

music accompaniment: B.O.Y. B.A.D.-Tulip sweet

but since I can't find this song online you will have to settle for my personal favorite: "Tattoo My Name on Your Ass"

More love/hate songs

Most of my favorite love songs are by Daft Punk. I feel like I need some kind of extra serious punctuation after that sentence. Like the opposite of an exclamation point. To drive home the idea that I am not making a joke. Or maybe a question mark would work: Most of my favorite love songs are by Daft Punk? As if I can't even believe it. In any case, here they are:

Daft Punk - Digital Love

Daft Punk - Something About Us

Daft Punk - Make Love

Oh, Daft Punk--you make love cool. I find most love songs sort of sickening: I mean the ones about the presence of love. Almost 100% of music is about the presence of love or lack thereof and usually I only like the latter... because love is kinda gross and embarrassing and private. But Daft Punk somehow gets away with it and comes off less wimpy than everyone else to me.

So what are some of my favorite anti-love songs? Here are a few I can think of with sweet videos:

Bat For Lashes - What's A Girl To Do

White Lion - Wait

James Pants - We're Through

Love or Anti-love

(I apologize for any advertisements that come first)

Anti-love:
Joy Division "love will tear us apart" : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHYOXyy1ToI

Betty Davis "anti-love song"



Love song:
Phenominal Handclap Band "Baby"



something unrequited:
Nouvelle Vague "In a matter of speaking"




Enjoy!

Why not

WEIGHT IN QUESTION 1: love or anti-love

What are your favorite love or anti-love songs?

(List them in the comment section of this post.)

One hundred and seven

A combo post with cerebraldjitis@gmail.com & twominusmail@gmail.com

When I go out I have a knack for finding the biggest crazy person/douchebag in the room. We are both are, much to my dismay, strangely attracted to each other. My friends find this talent uncanny. I find it more and more annoying and discouraging to the finding someone process.

Here is one such story….

I was downtown a few weeks ago for an opening of a friend’s fantastic photography exhibit. I was talked into a little post opening night celebration at a bar around the corner bounced by one of the biggest asshole bouncers in Los Angeles.

The story isn’t about him if that is what you were thinking.

As I toss my contraband hardly drank plastic bottle of water I share a glance with a very attractive someone outside. I smile, he smiles.

I follow my friends in to the bar, grab an empty stool, and start a tab. He comes in, the empty stool next to me ends up being his. I am excited about this. My friends befriend a couple strangers, I stay quiet and admire people’s tattoo work, and take inventory of the jackelope on the wall, a houka in the shape of a clown, and the mighty lacquered steed balanced on the end of the bar. I am waiting for him to start a conversation since he is staring me down and I am quite conveniently open and hoping for a little get to know you dance.

Time passes and I know that the entire time he is looking at me, I can feel his glance on my plunging neckline my lips when I speak.I can just feel him there, but when I look at him he looks away. Me and a girl I just met pose like the Hawaiian pin-ups that are painted on velvet behind the bar. (a very dumb girl “think I am sexy” move, I know) He watches me do this and when I meet his gaze he turns himself to the USC game. We play this little back and forth for a while and I figure if he is interested he will do something about it.

My other friend who promised me a lift decides that she needs to leave right now, with a guy in our group, who I didn’t even see her talking to the entire night.  It just takes a glance, sometimes, I guess.

I turn to a friend of mine I hadn’t chatted with that much that night and she leans in and asks:

“What is the deal with him?”
I say “Oh, the guy who keeps staring at me and looking away when I look at him?”
“I know I noticed that. What is that all about? You should talk to him” She nudges me a bit.

I say that “I am shy and now he seems a little too drunk and a little too alone.”

She decides at that moment to play wing man and raises her glass, looks him dead in the eye and says:

“What are we toasting to?”
“It’s my birthday.” he slurs.
“Well, happy birthday.”
I join in the clinking of glasses.
“What are you doing to celebrate?”
“I was supposed to meet a friend here, but it has been a couple hours so I don’t think they are coming”

She asks a question to inquire whether or not this is a female person, but I can’t remember what it was. But it isn’t a she he is waiting for.

“I have been in LA for two years and I have made exactly one friend” he says holding his pointer up.
“Where are you from?”
“Everywhere” he replies
“But where?”
“Like 12 different places. I don’t want to bore you with all of them.”
“Army”
“No, I am an artist. I used to be famous…..”
“Have I heard of you?” she asks
“Probably… I hate LA and I was brought here under false pretenses.”
“What does that mean?”
“I was promised all this money by a gallery who wooed me from New York…I love New York… the gallery closed because of the economy or whatever, but because they broke the contract with me I sued them. I spent all of my money in the legal battle and now I am living in my car in a parking garage down the street”

I zoned out when he started to say that his art was too hard to explain to us mere mortals.

no friends-check
heart on his sleeve-check

With that, I put my hand on his knee, swivled out of my stool and went to powder my nose. In the past I would have dated this person for at least two years, come on if you knew me you know it is true.

Check Yes or No

I have one more basic rule for dating before moving on to my more subtle, personal practices: two people should like each other if they are going to date each other.

It seems this would be clear to anyone, but I've seen many, many friends completely ignore the fact that their intended has clearly checked the "NO" box on their secret love note. Sometimes the opposite is true, as well: I myself have dated people I was pretty sure I didn't even like... just to be sure.

Trust your instincts people! Does she say she likes you and wants to continue dating, but gives you non-verbal cues that she doesn't and never seems to want to see you? Dump her (or at least ask what's up and then dump her). Has he left you but still wants to be friends and you're hanging on his every word/movement looking for signs that he wants you back? Get a new friend. Have you seen lots of red flags on the first few dates you've been on, but want to give her the benefit of the doubt? Don't.

I can't believe I have to say this, but you should like the person you are dating and they should like you... a lot, even. Like does not conquer all, however. More to come on that.

Heart on their sleeve

Beware of anyone who reveals their deepest dark on the first date or phone call. Anyone who on that first conversation tells you that their father never loved them, their mom is bi-polar, they are recovering from a near death experience or addiction, etc.

They don’t need a romantic partner, they kind of need therapy. And they kind of suck all the fun out of the room. (and last time I checked dating should be fun)

I am not saying that there is anything wrong with having collaborative experiences to work out an issue, being the sounding board for your significant other when things aren’t going well or need advice about something weighing on them/you. It is just when it starts out with them passing you a bag of heavy dark it will continue to be heavy dark until you feel heavy dark too.

Music:
I am thinking "Heaven knows I am miserable now" or "unloved" by the Smiths. Very heavy, very "woe is me"

Love Globally, Diddle Locally

The basic rules of dating are so obvious in theory, yet are often allusive in practice. My basic rule of dating number one: love globally, diddle locally. Why leave a large carbon footprint chasing long-distance tail when there are perfectly bed-able men in your own neighborhood? Dating is hard enough without the complication of distance. Unless you live in northern Saskatchewan, chances are there are people to screw/love in your zip code.

So, if you're looking to be close to someone, look close by. If you're not looking close by, maybe you should consider your motivations. For the last few years, I've actually found long-distance relationships appealing. Mostly because I feared losing my independence and didn't want someone around every day getting all up in my grill. The better choice, however, would have been to establish boundaries on my time and space instead of thinking I could solve the problem by dating men in the outer regions of time and space.

I'm not saying never have a whirlwind romance with, say... someone you met on vacation. Shit like that is fun, just don't stake your heart on the outcome. If you go into it with no other expectation than to enjoy each other's company and be in love with love for awhile, the affair, however tragic or fruitless, will still be a success.

This rule also does not apply, of course, to people already in an established relationship. If you are in love and your life's goals are forcing you to be apart for a time, you can definitely make a long-distance situation work.

Remember there is no one person for anyone, and exhausting yourself travelling back and forth for someone you barely know is foolish. There are no soul mates (unless you drive matching Kia Souls). Pining away for Billy in Boca? Go to three bars in your neighborhood for three days and you'll quickly forget all about him when you give your number to Tommy, Johnny and Bobby (or Cindy, Sally and Tracy)... you little slut.

lonewolf

Beware of someone who has no friends. It means interpersonal relationships aren’t really all that important to them. So therefore considering the fact that you have feelings won’t really cross their mind.

Solitude is bliss-Tame Impala

rules and wild horses

My last disaster of a relationship taught me many things.  Things about myself and how I date, who I date, etc.  For next time I have made myself a set of warning signs.  I have had some minor set-backs but I think that these were just reminders that these rules are helpful to interpersonal sanity.    Sometimes you have all the answers and you just have found a way to stop listening.

Have you ever given your friends advice that you never take for yourself?

Like, if he won’t tell you his last name, maybe you shouldn’t sleep with him.

If he says that he doesn’t want a relationship right now, maybe you shouldn’t get upset that he puts an end to your hanging out and still acts mixed messagy.

(I am talking about men, because I have only dated men, but I think you could just as easily insert some she(s) in here and it would totally make sense. Although I don't think I have ever heard a female say "I am not feeling the whole relationship thing right now")

These next few posts will be written about rules/red flags we have made for ourselves and effort to stick to them or see those flags when they are so blatantly waving in our faces. Whether we listened to ourselves or fell into the same cyclical traps.

Maybe at this point I should mention that we almost named this blog after Liz Phair's song "Fuck and Run." I never realized how popular that song was in the cathartic blog-o-sphere, maybe you should think about that as you read these next few posts.

Theme 1:

The whys and hows

I guess you can tell by the quote that this is a blog about love or dating or being single or not being in love.  If you guessed all these things you are right, this is a blog about dating and being in love/not being in love and being single ... and sometimes not.

The format:
We choose a theme and write around that theme.  We aren't necessarily here to give you advice, we are just relating stories that you can read or ascertain from images. You can leave comments,  follow, email us at  twominusmail at gmail dot com , or agree/disagree, laugh along with us or it's more kleenexy alternative. (but that probably won't be needed)

There will be times when we ask you to participate on weigh in questions.  The first coming around 2/14/2011 when we ask "What are you favorite love songs and/or anti-love songs?"

There now you have a head start.